Last week, I explored the difference between reduced tension and restored teamwork. But recognizing that difference can leave a director in an uncomfortable position.
You may see a reason to check in. You also remember what it took to get through the conflict, and you’re reluctant to bring everyone back into it. What if they feel you’re reopening something they’ve already put behind them? What if asking how things are going starts the argument all over again?
Before you’ve said a word, you’re weighing whether the conversation will help—or undo the progress you’ve made.
That hesitation makes sense. You’re responsible for a program that needs to keep moving. Children and families need your attention. Staff need support. After a difficult stretch, having everyone come to work and get through the day together can feel like a relief.
You want to protect that progress. But you also want to know whether people can work through the next decision, ask one another for help, or raise a concern without returning to the same difficulty. And that may require a conversation you aren’t sure anyone wants to have.
How do I check on our progress without taking us back into the argument?
Give the conversation a purpose
It helps to clarify what you want to understand before deciding what to say.
“Do we need to talk about what happened?” is a broad invitation. People may hear it as a request to revisit who said what, explain their position again, or defend how they responded.
A more focused opening gives people a clearer place to begin: “I want to check in on how we’re working together since that disagreement. What’s going well, and what still feels difficult?”
That question connects the conversation to the work people share. It also leaves room for different answers. One person may feel things have improved. Another may still hesitate to ask a question or offer an idea.
You don’t have to decide in advance which answer you expect. The purpose is to learn something you need to know as a leader.
Then, choose a setting that gives people room to answer honestly. If the concern involves two staff members, individual check-ins may help you understand what each is experiencing before deciding whether a conversation together would be useful.
There may still be something to say about what happened
Even with a clear opening, someone may return to the disagreement.
“It’s hard to plan together when I’m still wondering whether my ideas will get dismissed again.”
That may be the moment you were hoping to avoid. You can feel the conversation moving toward uncomfortable territory, and the urge to say, “We’ve already talked about that,” can be strong.
Pause long enough to understand what they’re telling you. They may be explaining how the earlier experience is affecting their participation now.
You might ask: “What has happened since then that has made it easier or harder to contribute?”
Or:
“What would help you participate in planning more openly?”
Those questions help you understand the connection between what happened and what the team needs now. If the conversation turns toward repeating accusations, you can bring it back to that purpose: “I hear that you experienced that meeting differently. I want to understand how that’s affecting your work together and what needs attention.”
You may also hear something about your own leadership. Perhaps you moved on before someone felt heard. Perhaps a concern was brought to you and never revisited. Making room for that feedback is part of the check-in, too.
Let what you hear shape the next step
The conversation may reveal that people have worked through more than you realized. It may identify one practical adjustment that would help. It may also show that something needs acknowledgment or repair before the team can move forward.
You don’t need to arrive with all of those answers. You do need to be willing to respond to what you learn.
That might sound like: “I understand more clearly why this is still affecting planning time. Let’s identify what we need to address, then decide how to have that conversation.”
If you need time to think, say so—and set a time to return. People need to know what will happen after they’ve taken the risk of answering honestly.
No opening sentence can guarantee a comfortable conversation. A thoughtful check-in may bring disappointment, frustration, or hurt back into the room. It can also give you information that politeness alone could never provide.
What would you need to understand about your team’s progress to feel confident moving forward—and have you made room to ask?
You don’t need every answer before you begin. If you’d like support helping your team work through conflict and strengthen how you work together, let’s connect.
